Closeness

in

Love















by Lovers In Training

loversintraining.org






Closeness

in

Love















by Lovers In Training

loversintraining.org


Second Draft Copy

Revised October 9, 2009

Graphics are spaceholder versions only.


Second draft edition. ISBN 978-0-557-15759-4.

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The names Closeness in Love, Lovers In Training, and Healing the Me I See in You and the logo of the two merged hearts are trademarks of Lovers In Training Worldwide, and may only be used with permission. Permission is automatically granted to copy them in any complete verbatim copies and translations of our work.

I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.

Song of Solomon 6:3

Dedicated to you who are becoming a better lover of God, your neighbor, and yourself by becoming a better lover in your romantic relationship.





Table of Contents

Introduction 1

Our Desire for Closeness 3

Kinds of Closeness 5

Physical Closeness 6

Sexual Closeness 6

Intellectual Closeness 7

Emotional Closeness 7

Spiritual Closeness 8

Custom Blends of Closeness 8

Ingredients of Closeness 9

Depth of Closeness 9

Frequency of Closeness 9

Duration of Closeness 10

Blending the Ingredients of Closeness 10

How Much Closeness? 13

Venn and the Art of Love 14

Comfort Ranges of Closeness 17

Working with the Numbers 17

Closeness for Singles 19

Closeness in Choosing Partners 19

Practicing Closeness 20

Mismatched Desires For Closeness 25

Not Enough Closeness 26

Too Much Closeness 26

Closeness Healing 27

Don't Take it Personal 27

Healing the Me I See in You 28

Deepening Closeness 30

Healing Gatherings 33

Begin at Home 33

Gather in Meeting Places 34

Spread the Healing 35

Christian Tantra 37

Shared Participation in Novel and Arousing Activities 37

What is Christian Tantra? 38

Heating Water 39

Lovemaking with Prayer 40

Exercises 41

Venn and the Art of Closeness 41

If Only My Partner Would Change 43

Feeling Your Feelings 44

Who Bothers You, and How 46

Healing the Me I See in You™ 47

Overview 47

Feelings 47

Zoom Lens Tool 48

Tightening and Your Breath 48

The Steps — Explained 48

The Steps — By Example 55

Inner Peace — Concepts 57

Overview 57

Imagining 58

Healing Issues 58

Creating States 59

Labeling Issues and States 60

Top Twenty Issues 61

What's in the Way? 61

Involving All Three Brains 62

Exploring Two Futures 63

Crash and Burn 64

Victory and Beyond 64

Then What? 65

Exploring for Others 65

Willingness and Ability 67

Pictures, Sounds, and Feelings 67

Letting Go 68

Percentages of an Issue 69

No Percentages of a State 70

Learning New Ways of Living 70

Giving Yourself Credit 71

Feeling Gratitude 71

Is the Issue Really Gone? 71

Automatically Letting Go of Issues 72

Inner Peace — Steps 73

Issue Let Go Process 73

State Creation Process 87

Inner Peace — Issue Finding 97

Conflicting Issues 97

Worst Fears 98

Attachments 98

Unattained Goals 98

Negative Emotions 99

Horrible Memories 99

Horrible Fantasies 100

Control 100

Resistances and Avoidances 100

Repressions 101

Denials 101

Fear of Losing Your Gains 101

Beyond Your Negative Issues 102

Beyond Ideal 102

What Can I Do? 103

Resources 105

Healing the Me I See in You™ 105

Lovers In Training™ 107

Christian Tantra 107

Inner Peace 108

HeartLand Aramaic Mission 108

Books 109

Sources of this Work 111

Mismatched Desires For Closeness 111

Closeness Healing Partners 112

Venn Diagrams 112

Healing the Me I See in You™ 112

Inner Peace 113

Issue Finding 113

When Would Now Be a Good Time? 114

Feelings Exercise 114

Lovers In Training™ Statement of Being 114

Christian Tantra 114

All Shall Be Well 115

Copies of this Book 117

Updates 117

Other Languages 118

Audio and Video 118

Supporting this Work 119

Prayer 119

Do Your Own Healing 119

Share Healing with Your Friends 119

Media Help 120

Graphics and Videos 120

Internet Networking 120

Personal Networking 121

Translations 121

Nonprofit Legal and Organizational Help 121

Financially Supporting This Work 122



Introduction

This book is intentionally short. It can be read in one or two sittings, even out loud. Read it by yourself. Then share it. Read it out loud with your partner and your friends.

Organize healing gatherings around this work. Invite your friends. Invite some friends you haven't met yet.

Most of the ideas in this book are presented by example. Some of the examples are about closeness in general. Some are about closeness in a specific area, such as emotional closeness.

This book doesn't even try to be politically correct. The names of the people in the examples were chosen for ease of reading. Short, American names are mostly used. Couples names begin with the same first letter. If your name is longer, from another culture, or begins with a different first letter than your partner, the principles of Closeness in Love will still apply.

For simplicity, the examples all use heterosexual couples, usually married. The principles of Closeness in Love apply to people in other kinds of relationships, too. Some of these principles even apply to relationships where no romance is involved. For simplicity, this book focuses on romantic relationships.

This book doesn't even try to use formal English. Instead, it uses the English that many people use when they talk to each other. For example, instead of saying things like “with whom,” it ends sentences with prepositions. It also uses contractions, like “isn't” and “doesn't.”

This book doesn't have any footnotes. They're left out on purpose. This book isn't meant to be a scholarly writing. In the back of the book there's an appendix about the sources of this work.

There are exercises near the end of this book. Enjoy them by yourself, with your partner, and in groups.

Tell your friends about this book. Sharing the ideas in it will help deepen your understanding of them. Once taught, twice learned. You might inspire some healing, not only in them, but in yourself, too.

Enjoy your healing. Enjoy your closeness.


With love,



Lovers In Training

loversintraining.org

Chapter 1

Our Desire for Closeness

We enter into love relationships because we want to be close. Or so we say.

We all have our comfort zones for closeness in love. With too much closeness, or too little, we're uncomfortable.

As with most things in life, we have our own preferences. Some people like a lot of closeness. Others prefer less.

There's no right or wrong level of closeness in love. There's only whatever's right for you and your partner.

With this book, you will learn a deeper understanding of closeness. You will learn about different kinds of closeness, the ingredients of closeness, and ways to measure closeness. You will learn how to apply closeness in love to bring healing into your love relationship or to help you create one.

You will learn about fears of closeness and fears of separateness. You will learn about unhealthy cravings for closeness and separateness. You will learn about unhealed wounds that drive those fears and cravings and learn about some free self help tools to heal those wounds in yourself.

Use them and heal. When would now be a good time?

Chapter 2

Kinds of Closeness

There are many ways to be close. For an easier understanding, we break closeness down into five kinds. These divisions are artificial. We could've used more, or less.

They overlap some. For example, sexual closeness could've been combined with physical closeness. Because it's so important to so many people in love relationships, we gave sexual closeness its own category. (Also, for single people who are saving sex for marriage, it does not yet apply.)

Any attempt to put labels on human behavior will lack something. Still, dividing closeness into these five chunks gives us a better understanding of closeness in love relationships. How do you eat a watermelon? One bite at a time.

Physical Closeness

Amy and Al love being together. When they walk down the street together, they like to walk arm in arm or holding hands. When they watch TV, they like to sit right next to each other on a love seat. When they go out to eat together, they like to sit side by side in a booth seat.

Betty and Bill like to keep their distance. She likes to watch her favorite TV shows in the family room. He likes to watch his in the den. They like having separate bedrooms, each with its own bathroom.

Sexual Closeness

Cindy and Carl like hot, passionate sex, for hours on end, often.

Donna and Dave like to have sex only once in a while, and nothing too intense, or for very long.

Ellen and Ed like lots of intercourse in their sex.

Fran and Felix like to share lots of sexual stroking, but not much intercourse.

Gloria and Guy are celibate and do not share sexual closeness.

Intellectual Closeness

Helen and Henry like sharing lots of intellectual ideas with one another.

Ivy and Issac have a lot of intellectual ideas, but prefer not to discuss them much.

Jenny and Joe love sharing ideas and stories about auto racing, but have no interest in discussing literature.

Kathy and Ken love sharing ideas and theories about literature, but have no interest in discussing auto racing.

Linda and Larry aren't very interested in intellectual ideas, so they don't have much to share in this area.

Emotional Closeness

Mary and Mike feel their emotions very deeply and love sharing them with each other.

Nora and Neil feel their emotions very deeply, but don't like sharing them.

Olivia and Oscar don't connect with their emotions much, so they don't have much to share in this area.

Spiritual Closeness

Patty and Pete love to pray together. They love to begin their day with each of them saying a prayer out loud with each other. They love to pray together, out loud, before each meal. They love ending their day with prayer together. They especially love to pray together while making love.

Rita and Roger are both very spiritual, but they prefer to do their prayers by themselves.

Sally and Sid don't connect with their spirituality much, so they don't have much to share in this area.

Custom Blends of Closeness

Tina and Tom love to sit close and touch each other when they're together, but don't like to talk about their feelings.

Violet and Vic love to share their feelings with each other, but don't like much physical closeness.

Wendy and Walt love to share closeness in every area except their spirituality, where they follow different spiritual paths.

Chapter 3

Ingredients of Closeness

In this chapter, we'll explore three different ingredients of closeness: depth, frequency, and duration. Each of these ingredients applies to each of the five kinds of closeness.

Depth of Closeness

When Angela and Art share ideas, they like to explore them deeply. Back and forth they ask each other questions like, "What about this?" and "What if that?"

When Bonnie and Bob talk about ideas, they mostly prefer to just cover the basics. That's usually enough for them.

Frequency of Closeness

Charity and Chuck like to touch each other often when they're together.

Destiny and Dick like to touch each other, but not very often.

Duration of Closeness

Eve and Eric like to go on for hours sharing their feelings.

Faith and Fred like to share their feelings, but only in small spurts.

Blending the Ingredients of Closeness

Grace and Gary like sharing all three ingredients of closeness. They love being with each other and connecting deeply almost all the time.

They love that they work together, full time, from home. Their desks are side by side so they can see each other's computer screens when they want to show each other something.

They like to talk to each other and touch each other a lot, throughout the day, every day. Often, they make love on their lunch break. When they go out, they like to go out together.

Hope and Harry like to connect with each other, deeply, every Saturday night. Sometimes, they stay up until sunrise, connecting on every kind of closeness — physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual.

Iris and Ike like sharing lots of closeness, but have very busy careers. They both travel a lot, and they hardly ever see each other.

So, they find ways to make the most of the time they have. About once a month, they like to carve out a long weekend together where they block out everything else and connect with each other very deeply, with every kind of closeness — physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual — for three or four days straight.

Chapter 4

How Much Closeness?

We can usually recognize closeness when we have it. Sometimes we notice that it's gone if we lose it. We might even recognize it in other couples. How can we easily describe it?

Some things are easy to measure. Most of us know how old we are and how many children we have. We know, roughly, about how long we've been married or divorced, and how much money we have in the bank. How can we measure closeness?

How much closeness do we want? How can we say that in a way that we'll all know how much closeness each other is talking about?

Venn and the Art of Love















One way to measure and describe how much closeness we mean is to use Venn diagrams. The seven Venn diagrams above show seven different levels of closeness. At level 1, the two circles are barely touching. At level 7, they almost completely overlap.

Closeness Level 1





Ashley and Andy almost never connect, and never very deeply or for very long.

Closeness Level 2







Bridget and Ben connect once in a great while, hardly ever very deeply or for very long.

Closeness Level 3







Connie and Curtis like to connect occasionally, not often very deeply or for very long.

Closeness Level 4





Denise and Dan like to connect some, but there's a limit to how deep they like to get with each other. Each of them has more of their life that they have to themselves than they share with each other.

Closeness Level 5





Edna and Ernie regularly connect deeply with some kinds of closeness, sometimes for long periods of time. They have about as much of their life that they share with each other as either of them has to themselves.

Closeness Level 6





Freida and Fred mostly connect deeply with most kinds of closeness, mostly for long periods of time. They share more of their lives with each other than either of them has to themselves.

Closeness Level 7





Gina and Greg are living their closeness together as a way of life, with ongoing deep closeness on every level.

Comfort Ranges of Closeness

Heather and Hank recognized that they have a range of closeness they like. Sometimes, they want a deep, level 7 connection, but not for too long or too often. On an every day basis, they prefer a level 6 connection and, if they slip to a a level 5, one of them will notice it and do something to bring them back closer together.

Ida and Ivan saw that they usually like their closeness around a level 2. Whenever it starts getting much above level 3, one of them will do something to bring it back closer to level 2, where they are more comfortable.

Working with the Numbers

Jane isn't big into numbers. She figures he's a 3 overall on closeness, and that's good enough for her.

Kent is a big baseball fan. On the subject of baseball, he's a 7.

He has no limits on frequency or duration. He'll connect about baseball with anybody, anytime, even in the winter, when most of his friends at work are following the football playoffs.

He has found a whole circle of friends on the Internet that he can connect with about baseball, year round, anytime of the day, for hours on end.

Len figures he's a 5 overall, but likes to chunk things into workable pieces. He says that on intellectual and spiritual closeness he's more of a 4, and on physical, sexual, and emotional closeness he's more of a 6.

Marie has a number for every aspect of her closeness. She has a number for overall closeness and an number for each kind of closeness. She has numbers for where she goes when she goes deep and where she goes when she pulls back. She knows about how often she usually does each and for how long.

She has also figured out all the same numbers for her husband, Matt, and their relationship.



Chapter 5

Closeness for Singles

Closeness isn't just for people who are married or in a relationship.

Closeness in Choosing Partners

April and Aaron are single and not in relationships, but they each want to find partners. Each of them have learned what is most important for them in closeness.

April likes being emotionally close. She likes to connect deeply, frequently, and for long periods of time, and wants that in a husband. She also likes lots of physical touch, and wants a husband she can share that with.

Aaron is deeply involved in his faith. He wants a wife he can share that with.

They both like antiques, and like to connect on that subject a lot. However, they both realize that they don't need to share that with a romantic partner.

When they meet potential partners, they discuss their desires for closeness before getting very involved with them. They only date people with similar desires for closeness to theirs.

Practicing Closeness

With Friends

April and Aaron met at an antique auction. They became good friends and enjoy spending time with each other, but they don't have a romantic connection.

Aaron learned about closeness from April and, from what she said about it, he felt that she was more comfortable with closeness than he was. He also recognized that he wanted to learn to become more comfortable with being close.

April recognized that, while she believes and says that she wants a lot of emotional and physical closeness, she hasn't had much of either in her life. She wondered if she wasn't kidding herself.

April suggested to Aaron that they practice closeness with each other as closeness healing partners. She said that by practicing closeness together, they had two possible outcomes. First of all, by getting more comfortable with closeness, they would be even more ready for a relationship when they met their marriage partners. She also said that it was even possible that they could become so close to each other that they could fall in love and want to stay together. Either way, they could only win.

Aaron considered the idea. He had always wanted to be a better lover. At first, he was concerned that spending time practicing closeness with April might distract him from his search for a wife. Then, he realized that his search for a wife hadn't found him one so far. He figured that practicing closeness with April and learning how to be a better lover could make him more ready for the relationship he had been praying for.

April and Aaron decided to try being closeness healing partners and see how it works. They are spending more time together and getting more comfortable with closeness. They recently found a church they both like, and they are now sharing spiritual closeness, too.

By practicing closeness with Aaron, April realized that she was more afraid of being close than she had thought and the closeness healing is helping her work through her barriers to closeness. She also found that, besides having fears of closeness, she had some fears of separateness. Because of those fears, some of her cravings for closeness were unhealthy. She is now healing the wounds that were driving her unhealthy behavior.

Aaron is learning how to be close, and liking it. He especially likes being comfortable sharing his feelings with April. He had never believed that he could do that with anybody.

He is also recognizing some of his fears to closeness. He saw that he had some unhealed wounds. He noticed that when those wounds would get activated, he would tend to withdraw. He likes the healing he's getting, and is less afraid of closeness.

With Ex Spouses

Beth and Barry are divorced, but still good friends. Neither of them is in a relationship now. When they were together, they shared a lot of closeness in certain areas.

Barry learned about closeness healing, and realized that he and Beth had unhealed wounds that had interfered with their closeness. He suggested to Beth that they work together as closeness healing partners, not to get back together, but as a way to heal and help each other heal.

Beth thought about it and said that she wanted to heal, too. She said that felt safe about doing it with Barry. She didn't think they would end up back together, but, if they really healed their barriers to closeness, who knows? Either way, they could only win.

With New Acquaintances

Claudia and Craig met at a church group. They had both been praying for marriage partners for themselves and started praying for a marriage partner for each other. When they learned about practicing closeness, they decided to be closeness healing partners for each other.

After a few months, Craig ran into his old girlfriend, Christine, downtown. Christine noticed the changes in Craig right away. Christine and Craig got back together. They are now engaged, and Claudia is going to give Craig away at the wedding. Meanwhile, Claudia met Clyde, and they are also engaged. Craig is going to be her "Man of Honor."

With Couples Who Used to Date

Dorene and Don used to date. They broke up, but stayed friends. Dorene learned about closeness healing. She wanted to do some healing around closeness and deepen her ability to be closer. She asked Don if he would be her closeness healing partner. He said, “Yes.” Two weeks later, they're dating again, are closer than ever, and learning how to be even closer.

With Couples Who Are Separated and Divorcing

Erica and Ernie were separated and headed for a divorce. They realized that they used to be close, and they had let it slip away.

They realized that if they didn't figure out how to maintain closeness in love, they would each have the same problem in their next relationship. So, they're now practicing closeness with each other as closeness healing partners.

They're back together and both learning how to be the best lovers they can be, for their own sakes. They're still not sure if they'll stay together, but they're more hopeful.

Chapter 6

Mismatched Desires For Closeness

Sometimes, the closeness one partner wants is not the same as the other partner wants.

In the movie Annie Hall, there's a part with two scenes happening at the same time, on a split screen. On one side of the screen, Alvy's in his therapist's office and, on the other side, Annie's in her therapist's office.

Their therapists ask them each how often they have sex. Alvy complains, "Hardly ever!" then adds, as an afterthought, "Maybe three times a week." Annie complains, "Constantly!" then adds, as an afterthought, "I'd say three times a week."

It'd seem logical that most people would couple up with partners with matching desires for closeness. If logic governed love, this might be true. However, many couples are mismatched in their desires for closeness.

What are some signs of a closeness mismatch? Maybe you've heard, or even said, some of what's in the next two sections.

Not Enough Closeness

Barbara complains, "We don't spend enough quality time together."

Chip says, "Carol never wants to spend time with me."

Darla moans, "Don ignores me."

Elizabeth says, "We're like two ships passing."

Finn complains, "I want us to do more things together."

George wails, "We're not even a couple."

Too Much Closeness

Hanna asserts, "I need my space."

Irving says, "Isis never leaves me alone.”

Julia complains, “Joshua's always in my face."

Kim says, "Kurt's always after me."

Lou moans, "I feel smothered."

Megan wails, "I need time to be me."

Chapter 7

Closeness Healing

Don't Take it Personal

Abby and Alex had different comfort levels for closeness. She wanted more closeness than he did. Alex told her that it was her fault that he wasn't close to her.

Abby was taking it personal. She would say to herself and her friends things like, "If only I were ____________ (prettier, smarter, younger, lighter, happier, more confident, ...), then Alex would be closer to me." Alex reinforced these beliefs.

One day, Abby was telling her sad story to Becky. Becky said, "That's fooey! If you were to completely transform and change everything Alex complains about, he would probably find some other reason to not be close to you. It's not about him or what he says or does. It's about healing yourself."

Abby thought about it and realized Becky was right. She asked Becky what she'd suggest for healing her closeness issues. Becky told her about this book and the idea of self help healing.

Healing the Me I See in You

Becky told Abby about the free self help process called Healing the Me I See in You™. She said that it was easy to learn, easy to teach, and easy to do. She said that Abby could use the process by herself, or with Alex. Becky told Abby how it had helped her heal in her relationship with Bart.

Abby said had wanted to heal for a long time. Becky asked her, “When would now be a good time?” Abby said, “Let's go for it!”

First, Becky walked Abby through the process once. In less than a half hour, Abby realized she had been blaming Alex for how she was feeling, when she was creating the feelings in herself all along. She felt much better.

Becky then asked Abby to walk her through the process so Abby could see it from another point of view. Abby was reluctant at first. She said she'd never counseled anybody before.

Becky assured Abby that is was a self help tool, and that all she needed to do was follow the steps in the book. Following the steps in the book, Abby asked Becky each question, one at a time, just like Becky had done with her, and waited for Becky's answer. Abby got a much deeper understanding of how the process worked, and Becky healed an issue she hadn't even realized she had.

Then, Becky showed Abby the online version of the process. At first, Abby was concerned about writing her feelings on the Internet. Becky explained that the process was designed to be confidential, and that nothing she entered was sent over the Internet. Then she unplugged the Internet cable and showed Abby how the program still kept working, without being connected to the Internet. Abby liked the confidentiality.

Becky had Abby do the process on herself, out loud, with Becky there standing by in case she got stuck on anything. Abby did the whole process by herself and felt great about it.

Abby was ready to heal stuff that had been bothering her for a long time, and she now had a tool to do it with. She cut back on watching TV, reading magazines, and chatting on the Internet so she could spend more time on her healing. She used the process on everything she could think of that she thought was bothering her about Alex.

She noticed that there were many things that she was blaming other people about, too, going all the way back to her childhood. She used the process on what she thought was bothering her about them, too. She was feeling much better.

Deepening Closeness

After Abby used the process on herself for a few days, Alex said something to her that, normally, she would have felt bad after hearing. Instead, Abby continued to feel love, for herself and Alex. Instead of responding with her normal, wound driven craving for closeness, she simply beamed love at Alex, and told him she loved him.

Alex was stunned. He'd been noticing some changes in Abby and was wondering about them. Now, he knew for sure something was different. “What's going on with you?” he asked.

Abby told him about the healing she'd been doing. He wanted to know more. Abby told him about the Healing the Me I See in You™ process.

Alex liked the idea of a self help process, and wanted to try it. Abby said she'd walk him though it, but she suggested he not do any issues about her for the first few times, until he was more confident with the process. Alex said he had some things about somebody else he thought was bothering him, so they used one of those.

Abby showed him how to do the process the same way Becky had showed her. After walking him through an issue, she had him walk her through one. Then, she had him walk himself through the online version of the process, out loud, while she stood by as backup support.

Alex liked the process. He never knew that healing stuff that had been bothering him so long could be so easy, or that it was something he could do himself.

Alex also liked that the computer version of Healing the Me I See in You™ was an open source program. He opened the source code and saw how everything anybody entered was, like the program said, fully confidential. Nothing gets stored on the computer or sent anywhere. When you close the program, everything you entered vanishes. He liked that.

Abby gave Alex a copy of this book. He read it in a few hours and it made sense to him. The next night, instead of watching TV, they started working on the exercises together, particularly the Healing the Me I See in You™ process, and sharing what they realized.

Abby discovered that her wounds were around feeling pushed away, and she responded to them frantically reaching for more closeness. Alex realized that his wounds were around somebody coming too close, and he responded to those wounds by pushing people away. Since Abby was the closest person in his life, she got pushed away the most.

They recognized that, by healing their wounds around closeness, they could relate to each other as healed and whole partners rather than two wounded people continuing to hurt each other.

They realized that, when they weren't coming from their wounded selves that they were naturally loving. They noticed that they liked themselves and each other better when they were loving, and that everything about life was more enjoyable.

Chapter 8

Healing Gatherings

Begin at Home

When Abby told Becky about showing Alex the Healing the Me I See in You™ process, Becky was delighted, but not surprised. Becky invited Abby and Alex over to her house to do healing work together with her and Bart.

The first night the four of them did the Healing the Me I See in You™ process together, they all liked how they inspired insights in each other. They decided to do it every week at the same time.

The next week, Becky invited Candy and Charlie. The week after that, Candy and Charlie brought Diane and Darin.

Diane and Darin loved the process, but had a schedule conflict with the regular gathering night. So, they started a Healing the Me I See in You™ gathering at their house on a different night of the week.

Gather in Meeting Places

The gatherings at Becky and Bart's house were getting bigger than their home could comfortably handle. Charlie checked with his church, and there was a meeting room available that same night for a very low price. People said they would pitch in and cover the cost.

They moved the gathering to the church, and invited even more people. Many more people came, both couples and single people.

Ester and Everett came as singles. Candy introduced them to each other and they decided to practice closeness together as closeness healing partners.

Diane and Darin's healing gathering outgrew their house, too. They found a meeting room at a local community center that was available for a very reasonable price. They put some notices in the local paper and an online events calendar. Now, lots of people are coming every week.

Other people started Healing the Me I See in You™ gatherings. Fay found out that her company had a conference room available. It was free. Now there's a weekly healing gathering there. Garrett found out that his bank had a meeting room that was available. Now there are two gatherings a week there. Harriet found out that her local library had a room available. Now there's a healing gathering there every week.

Iris found a nearby restaurant with a separate dining room. The restaurant doesn't even charge for the room. John, the owner, is happy to have more people coming there because some of them buy food. He would be happy to have several gatherings there a week. John's wife, Jessica, suggested an early morning gathering before people go to work and a lunch hour gathering.

Kevin's condo complex had a meeting room available. Because Kevin lived there, it was free. There's a healing gathering there once a week, now, and a second one is being planned. Lance found a school that rented rooms at night. Now there are gatherings there three times a week.

Spread the Healing

Yolanda and Yule were visiting from out of town and came to a Healing the Me I See in You™ gathering. When they got back home, they started a healing gathering at their house. Now there are several in their town.



Zelda and Zeke are taking a long vacation. They are visiting family and friends all over the country and helping them start Healing the Me I See in You™ gatherings in their towns.

Healing is spreading.

Chapter 9

Christian Tantra

And the two shall be one.Matthew 19:5

Shared Participation in Novel and Arousing Activities

Abby was reading about increasing the quality of love relationships. She learned about a research report that said that the best thing couples could do to bring more closeness into their relationships was (to quote directly from the research report) “shared participation in novel and arousing activities.” This sounded interesting to her.

She had noticed a section on the Lovers In Training website about Christian Tantra. She went to that section and read about it. She mentioned it to Alex, and they decided to research Christian Tantra further.

What is Christian Tantra?

Abby and Alex found out that Tantra is an ancient practice of combining sexual energy and prayer. It is more widely known as a Hindu practice, but people of other religions can do it by using their own prayers instead of Hindu prayers. They found out that Christians can do it to, using Christian prayers.

They had read that many ministers are now encouraging married couples in their churches to have sex with each other more often as a way to keep the marriages together. Combining prayer with sex seemed like a way to make the sex more spiritual and the prayer more fun.

They found that a lot of what's written about Tantra makes it seem exotic and difficult. Some of the positions shown are certainly quite gymnastic. They learned that those positions are not necessary to have a successful Tantra experience. They were glad to learn that they could use whatever positions they felt comfortable with.

They found that most of the books in bookstores and libraries about Tantra include a mix of Hindu and New Age concepts. Some of it is pretty extreme. They were glad to know that could leave out all of that stuff and keep it simple. They could just add their Christian prayers to their lovemaking to get started.

Heating Water

Abby and Alex learned about the comparison between making love and heating water, and how it applied to Tantra. Here's the essence of it.

Typical Sex

No prayer is involved. The couple puts the pot of water on the stove and turns the fire up full blast. The water gets hotter and hotter until it boils over and the fire goes out.

Tantric Sex

The couple begins with prayer. They put the pot of water on the stove and turn the fire on low. Prayer is continued, with more intensity, as the water gets warmer. If the water gets near the boiling point, the couple turns the fire down to a low simmer. Instead of boiling the water over, the couple uses the energy of the heated water to power their prayer, for a deeper connection to God and each other, for a long time.

Trying Christian Tantra

Abby and Alex decided to try Christian Tantra. The first few times, their old habits kicked in, and their pots boiled over pretty fast. Then, they learned to turn their fires down sooner. Their Christian Tantra sessions are now lasting much longer.

Lovemaking with Prayer

Abby and Alex practiced their Christian Tantra with many different prayers. Sometimes, they would both say the same prayer, together. One of their favorites was, All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well. What they also discovered was that, by just being in the spirit of love, for God, neighbor, and self, and using their love for each other as a reminder of that kind of love, amazing prayers would just come through them.

They noticed that many of their prayers contained some form of gratitude. They started to notice and appreciate their blessings more. They also expressed more gratitude in their prayers for each other.

Practicing Christian Tantra together took their lovemaking to a whole different level. They also noticed that they appreciated each other more, and that their relationship was stronger.

Chapter 10

Exercises

Venn and the Art of Closeness

Using the diagrams, explore closeness in your romantic life.







Overall Closeness

Five Specific Kinds of Closeness

Answer each of the questions above for each kind of closeness:

If Only My Partner Would Change

Perhaps you might have thought, or even said, "If only my partner ____________, then I'd feel better." You might have filled in the blank with things like:

Consider the possibility that you feel how you feel because you choose to feel that way.

Feeling Your Feelings

Read the instructions below, then do each step of the following exercise before reading the next one. This exercise will take about two minutes.

Instructions:

Note: If you are hearing this exercise on audio, and you are doing something like driving or working, do the exercise with your eyes open.

How did you create those feelings? Your circumstances did not change in the past two minutes — certainly not enough to take you through all of those feelings.

What changed, then, to make your feelings change? You changed your thoughts, and that changed your feelings.

Who Bothers You, and How

Write five things about other people that you think bother you. If you cannot narrow it down to five, you can write a few more.

If you cannot think of five, think of five things about other people that you think might bother you if what they were doing or how they were being were to go on and on and get worse and worse.

Congratulations. You have just completed Step 1 of the Healing the Me I See in You™ process. Turn to the next chapter and continue at Step 2 or schedule some time to do it later.

Chapter 11

Healing the Me I See in You™

First remove the beam out of your own eye. Then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye. —Matthew 7:5.

Overview

This process uses what you see in somebody else as a barometer for what's going on in you, so that you can heal yourself.

Feelings

The word “feelings” has two different meanings. You have emotional feelings, like feeling happy or sad, and physical feelings, like feeling tense or relaxed. In this process, feel what's going on with both kinds of your feelings. Feel what's going on for you both emotionally and in your body. Feeling one will help you be more in touch with the other. By feeling both, your process will go much deeper much faster.

Zoom Lens Tool

Whatever you think is bothering you is only the tip of the iceberg. To look deeper, use the zoom lens tool. Some of the steps will ask you to feel what would come up for you if something were to go “on and on” and get “worse and worse.” This zooms right into your feelings and makes it clear what's going on with you at a deeper level.

Tightening and Your Breath

When you use the zoom lens tool, notice where and how you tighten in your body, and where and how you hold your breath. This will guide you as to where and how to heal yourself.

The Steps — Explained

Step 1. Notice Their Problem

Notice something about somebody else that you think bothers you. It can be something they're doing, how they're being, or some of each.

If you do not know their exact name, a description will do, such as "the driver of the red car that cut me off."

If this is one of your first few times doing this process, it's a good idea to do this process a few times with smaller upsets before using it with a big upsetting incident or an incident involving a key person in your life. If you were learning to ski, you'd practice on the bunny slopes before skiing steep mountains.

Step 2. Read Your Barometer

Imagine if what you think is bothering you about them were to go on and on and get worse and worse. Feel, emotionally and in your body, what would come up for you if that were to happen. This is the real measure of how bothered you feel about them.

Whatever you think is bothering you is only the tip of the iceberg. You're now using the zoom lens tool. This zooms right into your feelings to make it clear what is going on with you at a deeper level.

Feel what would be going on for you both emotionally and in your body. Feeling one will help you be more in touch with the other. By feeling both, your process will go much deeper much faster.

Step 3. Put Yourself in Their Shoes

Imagine that you were being and doing the way that you think is bothering you about them. Imagine what would be going on in you (fears, hostilities, beliefs, etc.) in order for that to happen.

What would be going on with you in order to create such a situation? This question is not about how you would feel afterwards. By imagining yourself being and doing the way that you think is bothering you, you get to see what unhealed wounds you have around the subject, so that you can heal those wounds.

Step 4. Zoom into Your Problem

Imagine if whatever came up for you when you put yourself in their shoes were to go on and on and get worse and worse. Feel, emotionally and in your body, what would come up for you if that were to occur. Notice where and how you tighten and hold your breath. Notice any related thoughts and beliefs you would have along with those feelings.

Feel what would be going on for you both emotionally and in your body. Feeling one will help you be more in touch with the other. By feeling both, your process will go much deeper much faster.

By noticing where, in your body, you tighten, and store these feelings, you will know where to release them. By noticing where, in your body, you hold your breath to block these feelings, you will know how to open your breathing and release them. By noticing the thoughts that do not serve you, you will be more able to release them and create different ones, that will better serve you.

Step 5. Heal Your Problem

Breathe deeply. Breathe in love. Breathe out anything in you that is less than love. Allow the places where you had tightened to soften. Take whatever feelings, thoughts, and beliefs that came up for you when you zoomed into your problem, and put them all into your past. Feel yourself moving forward into your new future, and leaving those feelings, thoughts, and beliefs behind you.

Notice your breathing. Notice where the places you had tightened, before, have softened. If any remain tight, repeat this step with whatever is left of your problem.

Claim your peace and feel it in your body in the places where, before, you had tightened. Feel love in those places. Feel love in your whole body. Feel love in your whole being.

Conscious breathing is an easy way to release feelings, thoughts, and beliefs that do not support us and replace them with ones that do. Conscious breathing is also an easy way to release physical tension. Fill your abdomen. Fill your belly. Fill your chest, including your upper chest. Breathe so that you fill them all equally, then empty them all equally.

You can even say something like, "I used to have feelings of _________, thoughts of _________, and beliefs of _________."

Step 6. Recheck Your Barometer

Imagine if what you thought was bothering you about them were to go on and on and get worse and worse. Feel, emotionally and in your body, what would come up for you if that were to happen.

This is the same thing you did in Step 2. Has anything changed? They probably didn't. Who changed?

Step 7. Successful Healing

If their problem no longer feels like it's bothering you, you've healed, in yourself, what you saw in them. Congratulations! Give yourself credit for healing yourself. It was your free will that made it possible.

Feel gratitude for your healing. Gratitude opens the way for more of what you want in your life. Feel gratitude for whoever showed you your problem, so that you could heal it. While thinking of whoever showed you your problem, continue to feel love.

Begin again at Step 1 with something else that you think is bothering you about somebody.

When you do this process several times in a row, you will often get a momentum going where you can get a lot of healing happening. Try it and see.

Step 8. If Incomplete

If you still think their problem is bothering you some, take whatever is left about it and continue with those remaining pieces from Step 2. When you use the zoom lens tool, zoom in even closer by imagining things going on even longer and getting even worse than you imagined them before.

Ask yourself, “What is my barrier to love, here?” followed by, “How will I feel when I am past that barrier?”

Barriers to love are not about “them.” They are what we create inside of ourselves.

Step 9. If Still Unresolved

If, after doing Step 8 and then repeating the process from Step 2, their problem still seems to be bothering you, notice something similar, about the same person or somebody else, that you think bothers you, and proceed from Step 1 with that problem.

The Steps — By Example

Step 1 Example. Notice Her Problem

Jen was going on and on about her problems, in front of Jack and many other people.

Step 2 Example. Read Your Barometer

Jack imagined Jen doing that on and on even more and it getting worse and worse for him. Emotionally, he felt a feeling of dread. Physically he felt tightening and stuck energy in his upper chest.

Step 3 Example. Put Yourself in Their Shoes

If Jack were going on and on about his problems like that, he would be overwhelmed with them.

Step 4 Example. Zoom into Your Problem

If that overwhelm were to go on and on and get worse and worse for Jack, he would feel terror to the point of immobilization, along with tightening and huge stuck energy in his heart and lung area. He would have thoughts of giving up.

Step 5 Example. Heal Your Problem

Jack breathed into that stuck energy in his heart and lung area, released it, the terror, and his thoughts of giving up. He took another breath, and it was mostly gone, but he could tell there was a little more left. He breathed in again, found another stuck place with a little piece of terror attached, released it, breathed peace into that area, and it felt great. He felt love where, before, he was tight. He let love fill his body and his being, and felt it.

Step 6 Example. Recheck Your Barometer

Jen could go on and on about her problems forever, and Jack would be fine with it.

Step 7 Example. Successful Healing

Jack healed the him he saw in Jen. He gives himself credit for doing it. He feels gratitude for the healing. He feels gratitude for Jen for showing him where he needed to heal. He thought of her, and felt love.

Chapter 12

Inner Peace — Concepts

Inner Peace is a more advanced process than Healing the Me I See in You™. Before attempting this process, use Healing the Me I See in You™ first. Practice with it until you are successful with it on a steady and stable basis. Then you will be ready for Inner Peace.

Both the zoom lens tool and the instructions to feel both emotionally and in your body, that were introduced in Healing the Me I See in You™, are used in the Inner Peace process.

Overview

Inner Peace is a process that helps us let go of issues that do not serve us, such as fears, beliefs, attitudes. After letting them go, Inner Peace helps us replace those issues with states that serve us.

The first half of the process, where we let go of our issues, is called the Issue Let Go process. The second half of the process, where we create our new states, is called the State Creation process.

Imagining

Imagine your life with more inner peace. What would that be like?

Simply imagining inner peace, or anything else, shows us that it is possible. In the Inner Peace process, you will do lots of imagining and realize what you can create in your life. Some of what you imagine will support more inner peace in your life. Some of what you imagine will show you what is getting in the way of your inner peace. It will then be up to you to choose which future you will create for yourself.

Healing Issues

Our issues are all internal to us. For example, not getting enough love from your partner would not be an issue to heal. Your anxiety about not getting enough love, or some other internal response, would be an issue to heal. Your belief that you don't have enough love would be an issue to heal.

Behaviors are not issues to heal with Inner Peace. For example, if you were saying unkind things to your partner, that would not be an issue to heal with Inner Peace. Your feelings, beliefs, and attitudes that drive such behavior would be issues to heal with it. Once you heal them, the behavior has nothing left to drive it, and should easily go away.

For the rest of the examples, we will use “self doubt” as the example issue. When you run the process, substitute whatever your issue is for self doubt.

Creating States

Once we let go of an issue, we want to create a supportive state. Imagine you had a garden patch that was full of weeds. If you pulled up the weeds and didn't plant anything else, most likely, weeds would grow back. After you pull out the issue that doesn't support you, you want to plant something desirable in that part of your garden.

When choosing a state to create, choose a state that will, for you, help to keep the issue from coming back.

For the rest of the examples, we will use “worthiness” as the example state. When you run the process, substitute whatever state you choose to create for worthiness.

The State Creation process has some similar things to what has been done in many other works that use affirmations and visualizations. A question often asked is, "Why have affirmations and visualizations not worked very well for so many people?"

We believe that this is because the interfering issues were not let go first. For example, all the affirmations and visualizations of worthiness in the world might not work very well if a person has deep rooted feelings of self doubt, blame, shame, regret, guilt, and other such issues. It's like trying to plant new seeds in a patch of old, well established weeds.

Now, if you pull the weeds first and then plant the seeds, the plants you want to grow have a much better chance of taking root and flourishing. This is what Inner Peace does by clearing the issue first, then creating the state.

Labeling Issues and States

Sometimes an issue or state has a lot of ingredients. For example, along with self doubt might be some body sensations and anxiety. Sometimes, it's hard to put an exact word on the issue or state, or all the ingredients. You don't have to.

If you look at the ingredients label on a box of cake mix, you will see that it has a lot of ingredients in it. However, when you refer to it, you can just call it cake mix, and you know what you mean. The same is true with your issues and states. You only need to use labels where you know what you mean, even though there are many more ingredients included in them.

Top Twenty Issues

The top twenty issues we have found are: fear of success, fear of failure, self doubt, worry about health, resentment towards another, anxiety about money, sadness over a loss, anxiety about a relationship, worry about the future, fear of death, fear of being wrong, fear of pain, guilt over a wrong, fear of rejection, anger over a wrong, regret over the past, blame towards another, feeling deprived, anxiety about time, and fear of God. If any of these are issues for you, try using Inner Peace to heal them. If you have similar issues, reword them to match your issues.

What's in the Way?

If, at any step, something seems to not be working, ask yourself, “What's in the way?” This one question will often find the real issue. For example, if you had a fear of red things, you could run fear of apples forever, and it might never resolve. However, if you ask yourself “What's in the way?” and discover that there is a fear of red things, then you can handle that, and the fear of apples should resolve along with it. Usually, what's in the way is a fear or a belief.

Involving All Three Brains

Humans have three parts of their brains. These are sometimes referred to as our three brains.

At the base of our brain is what is commonly called the reptilian brain. Reptiles have this brain. Our reflexes and other body activities and sensations happen in this brain.

Surrounding our reptilian brain is our mammalian brain. Other mammals have this brain. Our emotions happen in this brain.

Surrounding our mammalian brain is our humanoid brain. No other animal has this brain. It is where we can do things like conceive of infinity and run the Inner Peace process.

Inner Peace engages all three brains. First and foremost, the humanoid mind is aware of each step. By feeling emotionally and in your body, the other two brains are engaged in the healing process.

If, at any step, you notice yourself giving an intellectual answer, such as saying, “I'd feel awful.” but in a matter of fact way, you will know that you are not engaging all three brains. Actually feel, emotionally and in your body, while you answer the steps, and all three brains will be engaged.

Exploring Two Futures

Once an issue is identified, you will explore two futures, in depth. First, you will explore what would happen if you were to hang onto the issue. You will explore what would happen to you, what would happen to others, and how you would end up feeling if all that were to happen. Then, you will explore what happens after you let go of the issue. Again, you will explore what happens to you, what happens to others, and how you will end up feeling after all that happens.

After you let go of the issue, you will replace it with a state that supports your inner peace. In the process of doing that, you will also explore two futures. First you will explore what would happen if you were to let go of the state. Then you will explore what happens to you as you continue to create the state.

Be warned, this is a setup. After exploring both futures, most likely, you will chose the one where you let go of the issue or create the state.

Crash and Burn

When you explore the negative future, either holding onto the issue or letting go of the state, the end result of each step is feeling a “crash and burn.” All three brains are involved. You will think about it and you will feel it, emotionally and in your body.

Why is a self help program taking you to your worst case “crashes and burns” rather than going in a more positive direction?” Inner Peace will not leave you at “crash and burn.” By facing the worst case “crash and burn” of what would happen to you if you were to continue with the issue or let go of the state, you get to see, clearly, how that isn't the future you want to create.

Often, we have denial about keeping our issue in place. We tend to say things to ourselves like, "Oh, it's not that bad," or "I can live with it." Exploring your worst case futures helps break down these denials so you more easily give up your issues.

Victory and Beyond

When you explore the positive future, either letting go of the issue or continuing to create the state, the end result of each step is feeling a “victory and beyond.” Again, all three brains are involved. You will think about it and you will feel it, emotionally and in your body.

By exploring these best case positive futures, you get to see the possibilities of what you can create in your life.

Then What?

In the steps where you explore your two futures, until you reach either “crash and burn” or “victory and beyond” you will be asked a question such as “Then what?” The purpose of this is to get you to the end of the step, either a “crash and burn” or a “victory and beyond” and you are feeling it, emotionally and in your body.

Some variations on “then what,” are, “and what would that be like?” or “What would it be like to live like that?” Use whatever makes sense to you. Get the feeling of what the future you are exploring would be like until you get you to the end of the step, either a “crash and burn” or a “victory and beyond,” and you feel it, emotionally and in your body.

Exploring for Others

Some of the steps ask you to imagine what would happen to others. For example, Step 3 of the Issue Let Go process will ask you to feel what would happen to others if you were to continue with the issue of self doubt. The others you would most want to focus on would be others who are on the fence as to whether or not to have self doubt in their lives. When they see you having self doubt, you model it for them, and give them permission to have it, too. What happens to them when they live with self doubt?

On the flip side, at Step 6, you will explore what happens to others as you let go of self doubt. Here, you would, again, focus on others who are on the fence as to whether or not to have self doubt in their lives. When they see you letting go of your self doubt, you model that for them, and give them permission to let it go, too. What happens to them when they let go of their self doubt.

In its early days, the Inner Peace process had fewer steps. For example, to explore your future without the issue, the question was simply, “Feel what happens after you let go of the issue, self doubt.” People who did well with the process would first answer what would happen to themselves, then what would happen to others, then how they would end up feeling after all that happened. To make sure you do all three parts, the step was broken up into three steps. However, after you are experienced with using Inner Peace and doing the process well, as long as you do all three parts, you can combine the three steps into one.

Willingness and Ability

In order to do something, we have to be both willing and able. Neither one, without the other, is enough. After exploring the two futures, Inner Peace checks your willingness to let go of the issue, then helps you figure out how to do it. With both willingness and ability, you can do it.

Pictures, Sounds, and Feelings

How you let go of your issues is all internal. You create pictures, sounds, and feelings. It's not about doing anything in the outer world.

Different people have different ways of perceiving the world and using their mind. Some people most notice what they see. Their minds work more with pictures. Other people most notice what they hear. Their minds work more with sounds and words. Other people most notice what they feel. Their minds work more with body sensations. Most of us use a combination of all three, and we have our favorites.

Inner Peace uses whatever your preference is, pictures, sounds, or feelings, to help you let go of your issues and create your states. For example, you might let go of an issue by seeing a picture, feeling a feeling, then hearing a phrase. Somebody else might let go of an issue by feeling, hearing a sound, feeling another feeling, then seeing a picture. There is no right or wrong way to do this. Use whatever works for you.

Some things you can do to help make your pictures sounds and feelings work better for you is to pay more attention to them. For example, when you see yourself in your new future of what your life is like after you let to of your issue, soon into that picture. Add more details to it. Add more color. Put yourself in a picture. Notice the expression on your face.

Letting Go

Letting go is a key part of the Inner Peace process. Another way to understand letting an issue go is to put it into your past. See, hear, and feel yourself moving into your future without the issue in your life.

By starting with Healing the Me I See in You™, you will get experience with letting things go. Letting go will be second nature to you by the time you do Inner Peace.

Percentages of an Issue

When you are exploring your willingness, ability, and letting go of an issue, you will be asked about percentages. For example, Step 8 will ask you, on a scale of zero to one hundred, how much of the issue, self doubt, you are willing to let go. The issue has a definite size, and that's one hundred percent of the issue. You can let go as little or as much as you are willing and able. A good guess is close enough. When your mind and feelings agree, use that number.

Let's say, for example, that on Step 8 your answer is that you are willing to let go of seventy percent of your self doubt. Then, at the end of Step 9, your answer is that you are able to let go of seventy percent of your self doubt, on Step 10, you would be invited to let go of seventy percent of the issue.

After you do that, when you come back to the issue, at Step 8 you would be asked, on a scale of zero to thirty, how much of the remaining thirty percent of your self doubt you would be willing to let go.

Using percentages allows us to do things in manageable chunks. If you ask people “all or nothing” questions about giving up their issues, it's often hard for them to give up their issues completely. On the other hand, if you give them the option of doing it in percentages, it's easier for them to face the task. Any mountain can be climbed, even in a wheelchair, if you build a ramp at an easy enough angle.

What often happens is that people are usually willing, able, and do let go of at least sixty percent, and often ninety percent or more, of their major issues on the first time through. These are issues that they have been dealing with for years and years.

Maybe you have issues that have been bothering you for years. When would now be a good time to let them go.

No Percentages of a State

The state you are creating is just being created. It's like planting an acorn that will grow into a giant oak tree. So, with your states, you will not be asked about any percentages. You know they will continue to grow.

Learning New Ways of Living

You have years of practice with living with the issue. It is second nature to you. The state you are creating is brand new. Recognize that, just like when you learned how to walk, you had to focus on it and, now, you can probably do it easily, without even thinking about it, the same will be true with living with your new state.

Giving Yourself Credit

After letting go of an issue or creating a state, you will be instructed give yourself credit for doing that. It was your free will that did it. You deserve credit for making that choice. Give it to yourself.

Feeling Gratitude

The last step of the Issue Let Go Process and the State Creation Process is to feel gratitude. Gratitude opens the way for more of what you want in your life. Feel it.

Is the Issue Really Gone?

After letting go of an issue, sometimes it's easy to wonder if the issue is really gone. Abby had let go of some frustration towards Alex, then noticed, several days later, that she had more frustration towards him. However, after exploring it further, she realized that it was a different frustration, even though she was using the same word to describe it.

When you pull weeds from your garden, you get whatever you see. It doesn't mean more won't grow back. However, if you tend the garden regularly, the new weeds will be easy to spot and get out before they get established. It works the same with your emotional garden.

Automatically Letting Go of Issues

After doing the Inner Peace process for a while, you will get to a point where you automatically let go of issues, without even thinking of the steps. As soon as you notice an issue, you will realize the kind of future you would have hanging onto it, and the kind of future you will have without it, and you will just let it go, all in less time than it takes to take a breath. When you get to that point, your life will be much different. Go for it.

‎Chapter 13

Inner Peace — Steps

This chapter will make much more sense to you if you read and understand the previous chapter explaining the Inner Peace concepts first.

Continuing with the same examples from that chapter, we will use self doubt as the example issue and worthiness as the example replacement state.

Issue Let Go Process

Part 1 — Identifying the Issue

Step 1

Identify an issue that lessens your inner peace.

Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble. —Psalms 31:9

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. —Matthew 5:3

If more than one issue seems to be interfering with your inner peace, narrow your focus to one issue now. You can deal with the other issues later. Here's an easy way to do that. First, remind yourself that you can handle all your issues, one at a time. Then, ask yourself, if you could pick any issue to not have in your life, which one would it be.

You might have heard about the straw that broke the camel's back. The flip side of that works, too. Remove that straw, and the camel can handle the rest. With one less issue tying up your energy, there's that much more of you available to enjoy life.

Some issues are too big to handle all at once. For example, fear, in and of itself, is too big for most people to handle all at once. Specific fears, such as fear of being wrong or fear of success, can be handled. For bigger issues, break them up into manageable chunks.

There is a whole chapter after this one about finding issues. Do the steps in it if you run out of issues.

Part 2 — Your Future Continuing with the Issue

Step 2

Feel what would happen to you if you were to continue with the issue, self doubt.

Describe what that would feel like.

Focus on what would feel bad or negative to you if you were to continue with the issue, self doubt, and it were to go on and on and everything were to get worse and worse.

Feel it both emotionally and in your body.

Assume no rescue or recovery on this step. If a rescue or recovery presents itself and things seem to improve a little for a while or even appear to just stay the same, feel what would happen after that were over and the issue, self doubt, were to come back, stronger than ever.

Imagine the worst case scenario if everything were to get worse and worse. Imagine what that would feel like to you. Feel it both emotionally and in your body.

What would and would not happen? What would life be like? How would you feel? Consider the end result.

Take this to its ultimate conclusion. Go all the way to “crash and burn.”

How do you feel? Feel it all, as specifically as you can.

You will know that you have reached the end of this step if you really feel what "crash and burn" would feel like and you cannot imagine feeling much worse. Imagine how an eternity of that would feel to you.

This is suffering that would have to be lived. Prevent this suffering from ever having to be experienced in real life by facing it now.

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me. —Psalms 23:4

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. —Matthew 5:4

Step 3

Feel what would happen to others if you were to continue with the issue, self doubt.

Describe what that would feel like.

Give us help from trouble. —Psalms 60:11

Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. —Matthew 5:5

This step is just like Step 2 except for the focus on others instead of yourself. Use the “then what” instructions from Step 2 to take this step to “crash and burn.”

Step 4

Having explored what would happen to you and others if you were to continue with the issue, self doubt, deeply feel how you would feel if all that were to happen.

Describe what that would feel like.

Be pleased, O Lord to deliver me: O Lord, make haste to help me. —Psalms 40:13

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

Matthew 5:6

This step compresses the impact of the two previous steps to help further break through any remaining denial about hanging onto the issue. Use the “then what” instructions from Step 2 to take this step to “crash and burn.”

Part 3 — Your Future Without the Issue

Step 5

Feel what happens to you after you let go of the issue, self doubt.

Describe what that feels like.

Focus on what feels good or positive to you after you let go of the issue, self doubt, and everything continues to get better and better. Feel it both emotionally and in your body.

Assume no setback or failure on this step. If a setback or failure presents itself and things were to worsen a little for a while or even appear to just stay the same, feel what happens after that is over as the issue vanishes and is gone forever.

Imagine the best case scenario as everything gets better and better. Imagine what that feels like to you. Feel it both emotionally and in your body.

What would and would not happen? What would life be like? How would you feel?

Consider the end result. Take this to its ultimate conclusion. Go all the way to "victory and beyond."

How do you feel? Feel it all, as specifically as you can.

This is an outcome that you can create in real life if you choose.

You will know that you have reached the end of this step if you really feel what "victory and beyond" feels like and you cannot imagine feeling much better.

Feel how an eternity of that feels to you.

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. —Psalms 51:10

Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.Matthew 5:8

This step is the positive equivalent of Step 2.

Step 6

Feel what happens to others after you let go of the issue, self doubt.

Describe what that feels like.

Show us thy mercy, O Lord, and grant us thy salvation. —Psalms 85:7

Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.Matthew 5:7

This step is the positive equivalent of Step 3. It is just like Step 5 except for the focus on others instead of yourself. Use the “then what” instructions from Step 5 to take this step to “victory and beyond.”

Step 7

Having explored happens to you and others after you let go of the issue, self doubt, deeply feel how you feel as all that happens.

Describe what that feels like.

And my soul shall be joyful in the Lord. —Psalms 35:9

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.Matthew 5:9

This step is the positive equivalent of Step 4. Use the “then what” instructions from Step 5 to take this step to “victory and beyond.”

Part 4 — Letting Go of the Issue

Step 8

Using a scale of 0 to 100, how much of the issue, self doubt, do you sincerely feel that you are willing to let go?

This question checks only your willingness. Willingness does not mean ability. For example, you may be perfectly willing to flap your wings and fly, even though you may not be able.

Lord, all my desire is before thee. —Psalms 38:9

Thy will be done.Matthew 6:10

Step 9

As you let go of the issue, self doubt, what do you do first?

This step is not about external actions or circumstances. It is about what you create internally in your mind, body, and emotions.

Even if you do more than one of these, one will be slightly before of the others in sequence.

Do you see something, hear something, or feel something? If you just sense it or know it, how do you know? By a picture, a sound, or a feeling?

O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead me. —Psalms 43:3

Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you.Matthew 7:7

This step finds the first step in the formula for the user's internal strategy for letting go. Pictures, sounds, and feelings that were noticed in Steps 5, 6, and 7 are great to use again here.

For this example, we will assume that you chose "see."

Step 9, Continued

As you let go of the issue, self doubt, what do you see?

For this example, we'll use "myself being confident" as the image.

Step 9, Continued

After you see, “myself being confident,” what, if anything, do you do next as you let go of the issue, self doubt?

You could include as many internal steps as you needed to get a strategy that works. Most of the time, one to three internal steps usually are all that are needed. Most people use one picture, one sound, and one feeling.

We will assume, for this example, that the one picture was enough.

Step 9, Continued

Now that you have discovered a workable letting go sequence, using a scale of 0 to 100, how much of the issue, self doubt, do you sincerely feel that you are able to let go?

This question checks only your ability. Ability does not mean willingness. For example, you may be perfectly able to do more physical exercise even though you may not be willing to do so right now.

For this example, we will assume that you were willing and able to let go of seventy percent of the issue.

Step 10

Inner Peace invites you to let go of 70% of the issue, self doubt, now.

Thou will show me the path of life. —Psalms 16:11

Be ye therefore perfect.Matthew 5:48

Why did Inner Peace only invite you to let go of seventy percent of the issue? Because our example answers to Step 8 and Step 9 were that seventy percent was the percentage that you were both willing and able to let go.

The smallest number from Step 8 and Step 9 is used on this step. For example, if you were willing to let to of fifty percent and able to let go of eighty, you would be invited to let of of fifty percent of the issue.

Step 10, Continued

Using a scale of 0 to 100, how much of the issue, self doubt, do you sincerely feel that you did let go?

This is an important place to be feeling both emotionally and in your body. When you engage all three brains, you will know the answer.

Notice we used zero to one hundred for checking. Sometimes people actually end up letting go of more than they say that they are willing and able.

For this example, we'll stick with the same 70%.

Part 5 — Giving Credit and Feeling Gratitude

Step 11

Give yourself credit for letting go of 70% of the issue, self doubt.

I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. —Psalms 34:4

Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leads to life, and few there be that find it.

Matthew 7:14

Step 12

Feel gratitude for letting go of 70% of the issue, self doubt.

O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever. —Psalms 30:12

For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory for ever.Matthew 6:13

Part 6 — Handling any Remainder

Step 12, Continued

Now address the remaining 30% of the issue, self doubt.

Step 8

Using a scale of 0 to 30, how much of the remainder of the issue, self doubt, do you sincerely feel that you are willing to let go?

Assuming that you are willing to let go of the rest, Step 9 would recheck your strategy, then check you're ability to let the rest go, using the same zero to thirty scale.

Assuming you are able to let of of the rest, Step 10 would invite you to do that, and confirm that you did. Assuming you did, Step 11 would invite you to give yourself credit for letting go of all of the issue, and Step 12 would invite you to feel gratitude for letting go of all of the issue.

Something in the Way

If the process wasn't going well, you would ask what's in the way. If there is something in the way, it can be handled just like any other issue. Once the interfering issue is let go, then the user can often come back to the original issue and let it go.

Sometimes there is more than one interfering issue. Just clear them, one at a time.

Let us assume, for our current example, that we make as many passes as needed through the issue of self doubt whatever's in the way and let it all go. We would, now, create the state.

State Creation Process

Part 1 — Identifying the State

Step 1

Identify a state that supports your inner peace.

Choose a state that has an opposite quality to the issue, self doubt, and would act as an antidote if the issue should ever try to reassert itself.

Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer. —Psalms 4:1

For every one that asks receives; and he that seeks finds; and to him that knocks it shall be opened.Matthew 7:8

The top twenty states are: faith, forgiveness, gratitude, worthiness, fulfillment, vitality, courage, love, acceptance, trust, passion, balance, compassion, freedom, empowerment, success, joy, fun, abundance, and contentedness.

For this example, we will use worthiness.

Part 2 — Your Future If You Let Go of the State

Step 2

Feel what would happen to you if you were to let go of the state, worthiness.

Describe what that would feel like.

Focus on what would feel bad or negative to you if you were to let go of the state, worthiness, and things were to go on and on and everything were to get worse and worse.

Feel it both emotionally and in your body.

Assume no rescue or recovery on this step. If a rescue or recovery presents itself and things seem to improve a little for a while or even appear to just stay the same, feel what would happen after that were over and the state, worthiness, were to really be gone, forever.

Imagine the worst case scenario if everything were to get worse and worse. Imagine what that would feel like to you. Feel it both emotionally and in your body.

What would and would not happen? What would life be like? How would you feel? Consider the end result.

Take this to its ultimate conclusion. Go all the way to “crash and burn.”

How do you feel? Feel it all, as specifically as you can.

You will know that you have reached the end of this step if you really feel what "crash and burn" would feel like and you cannot imagine feeling much worse. Imagine how an eternity of that would feel to you.

This is suffering that would have to be lived. Prevent this suffering from ever having to be experienced in real life by facing it now.

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me. —Psalms 23:4

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. —Matthew 5:4

On this part, you do not need to go to such deep “crashes and burns” as you did on the Issue Let Go Process.

Step 3

Feel what would happen to others if you were to let go of the state, worthiness.

Describe what that would feel like.

Give us help from trouble. —Psalms 60:11

Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. —Matthew 5:5

Step 4

Having explored what would happen to you and others if you were to let go of the state, worthiness, deeply feel how you would feel if all that were to happen.

Describe what that would feel like.

Be pleased, O Lord to deliver me: O Lord, make haste to help me. —Psalms 40:13

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

Matthew 5:6

Part 3 — Your Future With the State

Step 5

Feel what happens to you as you continue to create the issue, worthiness.

Describe what that feels like.

Focus on what feels good or positive to you you as you continue to create the issue, worthiness, and everything continues to get better and better. Feel it both emotionally and in your body.

Assume no setback or failure on this step. If a setback or failure presents itself and things were to worsen a little for a while or even appear to just stay the same, feel what happens after that is over as the state is firmly reestablished, stronger than ever.

Imagine the best case scenario as everything gets better and better. Imagine what that feels like to you. Feel it both emotionally and in your body.

What would and would not happen? What would life be like? How would you feel?

Consider the end result. Take this to its ultimate conclusion. Go all the way to "victory and beyond."

How do you feel? Feel it all, as specifically as you can.

This is an outcome that you can create in real life if you choose.

You will know that you have reached the end of this step if you really feel what "victory and beyond" feels like and you cannot imagine feeling much better.

Feel how an eternity of that feels to you.

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. —Psalms 51:10

Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.Matthew 5:8

On this part, take your “victories and beyond” really far. Linger in them. Enjoy them.

Step 6

Feel what happens to others as you continue to create the issue, worthiness.

Describe what that feels like.

Show us thy mercy, O Lord, and grant us thy salvation. —Psalms 85:7

Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.Matthew 5:7

Step 7

Having explored happens to you and others after you continue to create the issue, worthiness, deeply feel how you feel as all that happens.

Describe what that feels like.

And my soul shall be joyful in the Lord.

Psalms 35:9

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.Matthew 5:9

Part 4 — Creating the State

Step 8

Do you sincerely feel that you are willing to create the state, worthiness?

Lord, all my desire is before thee. —Psalms 38:9

Thy will be done.Matthew 6:10

No percentages are used in this part. Your new state will continue to grow.

Step 9

As you create the state, worthiness, what do you do first?

This is the one step, out of the whole process, where it might be helpful to take notes. You can redo the strategy to create the state over and over, daily or even more often, to continue to create the state.

For simplicity, we will assume, for this example, that one picture was enough to create the state, and you know what that picture is.

Step 9, Continued

Now that you have discovered a workable sequence, do you sincerely feel that you are able to create the state, worthiness?

O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead me. —Psalms 43:3

Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you.Matthew 7:7

Step 10

Inner Peace invites you to create the state, worthiness, now.

Step 10, Continued

Do you sincerely feel that you did create the state, worthiness?

Thou will show me the path of life. —Psalms 16:11

Be ye therefore perfect.Matthew 5:48

Part 5 — Giving Credit and Feeling Gratitude

Step 11

Give yourself credit for creating the state, worthiness.

I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. —Psalms 34:4

Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leads to life, and few there be that find it.

——Matthew 7:14

Step 12

Feel gratitude for for creating the state, worthiness.

O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever. —Psalms 30:12

For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory for ever.Matthew 6:13

Begin again, with another issue. When you do this process several times in a row, you will often get a momentum going where you can get a lot of healing happening. Try it and see.

Chapter 14

Inner Peace — Issue Finding

After you have found and processed all of your obvious issues, you may be interested in finding more. Here are some ways to dig deep and find others.

When you find a hot issue, handle it. Then work your way through this list, one issue at a time. Handle them all.

Conflicting Issues

When you handle a big issue, check to see if you don't also have the opposite issue. For example, many people have both fear of failure and fear of success.

When we have conflicting issues, we have internal struggles that consume a lot of our energy. Different parts of ourselves are pushing and pulling against each other. And we wonder why we're tired at the end of the day, but still haven't accomplished many of the things we wanted to do.

Worst Fears

What leaves you feeling nervous or anxious? What do you fear? What do you most fear? Imagine you were forced to live your worst fears, far worse than you ever imagined they could be — forever.

How would you feel?

Attachments

What do you create in your life? Who or what are you, what do you do, what do you have?

Of all these things, what are you most attached to? It does not have to be something you are proud of.

What ingredient of your life would be the hardest to part with? This is where your attachments are. Imagine that what you are most attached to were taken away, and you could never be, do, or have it again.

How would you feel?

Unattained Goals

What do you strive, struggle, or strain for? Where are you stuck? The beauty of looking here is that underlying an unrealized goal is often a major fear. Imagine you could never realize that goal — ever.

How would you feel?

Negative Emotions

What situations do you believe make you feel irritated, bothered, annoyed, aggravated, hostile, angry, upset, furious, resentful, bitter, afraid, anxious, nervous, worried, fearful, panic, terror, exasperated, frustrated, grief, regret, sorrow, woe, misery, sad, bad, shame, guilt, unhappy, depressed, withdrawn, or any other negative emotion? Imagine you were stuck with that emotion, far worse than you ever imagined it could be — forever?

How would you feel?

Horrible Memories

Recall one of your most horrible memories. Imagine you were forced to relive it, far worse than you ever imagined it could be — forever.

How would you feel?

Horrible Fantasies

Imagine your most horrible fantasy. Imagine you were forced to live it, far worse than you ever imagined it could be — forever.

How would you feel?

Control

What do you control? What do you try to control What do you control especially well? Imagine you were forced into or prevented from being, doing, or having something.

How would you feel?

Resistances and Avoidances

What do you resist, oppose, endure, hate, despise, deplore, detest, dislike, dodge, avoid, run away from, or sidestep? Imagine you are forced to live your worst nightmares about it — forever?

How would you feel?

Repressions

Is there anything that could have left you feeling bad if you had let it get the best of you? Imagine your power to hold back that bad feeling were taken away — forever.

How would you feel?

Denials

Is there anything that could have left you feeling bad that you deny, hide, or don't admit? Imagine your power to deny that bad feeling were taken away — forever.

How would you feel?

Fear of Losing Your Gains

Are you concerned that using such a fast, powerful process such as this might get you to function as if you are beyond your issues, but that the issues are not really gone and might kick back in on you at some later time?

Imagine that you get to where you want to be, beyond all your fears and barriers, and then your biggest issues were to all come back on you — hard.

How would you feel?

Beyond Your Negative Issues

After you get past all of your hot, suffering-type issues, consider, "What do you want to be, do, have, or improve next?"

What's in the way?

Beyond Ideal

Imagine your ideal future. How could it be even better?

What's in the way?

Chapter 15

What Can I Do?

The best thing you can do is to heal yourself. As you do that, you will be more able to heal your relationship or create one, and to share healing with others.

Use the Healing the Me I See in You™ process. Share it with your partner and friends. It's in the book. There's also an online version and one that can be downloaded. After you get comfortable with that process, you use the Inner Peace process.

Use the other exercises in this book. Share them with your partner and friends.

Copy and share this book. It is an open content book. You can email it, just send the download links, or print it out.

Form healing groups. Start small with a few friends and try it. Then let them grow.

If you're single, consider being somebody's closeness healing partner. You'll both get healing from it.

At some point, you'll notice that the healing is working. You'll notice that you don't feel bothered by certain things the way you used to. That isn't the time to stop. That's the time to dig deeper and heal your next layer.

Enjoy your healing. Enjoy your closeness.

With love,



Lovers In Training

loversintraining.org

Appendix A

Resources

Healing the Me I See in You™

Software

Healing the Me I See in You™ is free and open source software released under the GNU General Public License. Feel free to copy and distribute it. You can also sell it, either to cover your costs or you can even make a profit on it.

Currently, English is the only language available. We encourage translations in any language. If you are a native speaker of any other language and can translate this work, or know somebody who can, please go ahead and get it translated. As you learn of any translations, please post the links to them at:

http://loversintraining.org/contact.html

Online Version

Run the online version of Healing the Me I See in You™, without having to download anything, at:

http://loversintraining.org/healing-the-me-i-see-in-you.html

Download Version

The download version of Healing the Me I See in You™ is, basically the same as the online version, only you can run it offline. Like the online version, it runs in your browser. Get it at:

http://loversintraining.org/downloads/healing-the-me-i-see-in-you.zip

Support

For support with Lovers In Training software, use the Lovers In Training contact form at:

http://loversintraining.org/contact.html

Gatherings

Information about Healing the Me I See in You™ gatherings is at:

http://loversintraining.org/gatherings/healing-the-me-i-see-in-you.html

Lovers In Training gatherings are free. There are no suggested donations for anything and nothing is for sale.

Lovers In Training

Statement of Being

Lovers In Training is a loving, spiritual community. We are committed to the practice of love for God, others, and ourselves.

We recognize that, in the past, we have made other things more important than love. We practice healing anything in us that is less than love so that we can, instead, practice consciously living love, with every breath.

We gather together regularly to remind ourselves of the importance of love. Our gatherings are peer led. We encourage our members to organize both regular and special gatherings.

For more information, visit:

http://loversintraining.org

This is my commandment Love one another as I have loved you.John 13:12

Christian Tantra

For more information about Christian Tantra, visit:

http://loversintraining.org/christian-tantra

Inner Peace

Most of the steps of Healing the Me I See in You™ come from the Inner Peace process. Inner Peace is a more advanced process, and is only recommended for people who have had steady and stable success with Healing the Me I See in You™.

For more information about Inner Peace, visit:

http://innerpeace.org

Inner Peace is free and open source software released under the GNU General Public License. There are no suggested donations for anything and nothing is for sale.

HeartLand Aramaic Mission

The inspiration for the Healing the Me I See in You™ process comes from the work of HeartLand Aramaic Mission. HeartLand's website is:

http://whyagain.com

There is a lot of free information on this website, including a free downloadable copy of the book, Why Is This Happening to Me... Again?! There are free downloadable PDF worksheets of another process that helps heal, in us, the problems we see in others, called the Reality Management Worksheet. There is also an online version of it.

Books

We do not sell any books or anything else. The books listed below are widely available best selling classics. They have been around so long you can even find used ones on the Internet for less than the cost of mailing them to you.

We have found them helpful. You may, too.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work™

Most bookstores have shelf after shelf of books on marriage and relationships. Few of them are based upon much research. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work™, by John Gottman, is based upon more research than most of the others on those shelves combined.

Fighting for Your Marriage

Three of Gottman's students, Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg took some of Gottman's research and applied it to couples. They found out that all relationships have conflicts. It's how we handle those conflicts that makes the difference. Fighting for Your Marriage has some excellent tools for handling the conflicts that come up in relationships.

Keeping The Love You Find

Keeping The Love You Find, by Harville Hendrix, was where we first learned about couples tending to have mismatched desires for closeness and the idea of closeness healing partners. While the book is written mostly for singles, it has a lot of information about relationships that can be applied to marriages, too.

Getting The Love You Want

Getting The Love You Want was the book that made Harville Hendrix famous. This is his first book, and it was written for couples. Single people looking to create a relationship can get a lot out of it, too.

Born to Win

Born to Win, by Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward, is a fun and inspiring book. It's not written specifically for couples, but there are many tools in it that you can use to write a better script for your relationship than the one you are living.

Appendix B

Sources of this Work

It is possible that older sources exist for some of what's in this book. The sources listed are where we got our information from.

Mismatched Desires For Closeness

The concept of the conflicting drives for closeness and separation came from Harville Hendrix. In his book Keeping the Love You Find, he discusses, in great detail, the concept that people couple up for the purpose of healing.

In his experience, people who tend to respond to their unhealed wounds by separating themselves from others and people who respond to their unhealed wounds by coming closer to somebody tend to couple up. Of course, as a relationship therapist, he would tend to see people with troubled relationships.

Closeness Healing Partners

The idea of closeness healing partners also came from Harville Hendrix. In Keeping the Love You Find, he suggests that single people practice relating and healing techniques with the people they are dating while searching for their marriage partners.

Venn Diagrams

The seven Venn diagrams come from Arthur Aron, Elaine Aron, & Danny Smollan. In 1992 they did a research study on couples using these seven Venn diagrams. They wrote a paper about it called Inclusion of Other in the Self Scale and the Structure of Interpersonal Closeness that was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

The Aaron's, particularly Arthur, have since done much more extensive research and writing on the subject of closeness in couples.

Healing the Me I See in You™

Healing the Me I See in You™ stands on the shoulders of many giants. The seed inspiration for the process comes from the work of HeartLand Aramaic Mission. It is an adaptation of the HeartLand work on forgiveness.

Most of the steps in the process are adaptations of steps from the Inner Peace process.

The instruction for feeling both emotionally and in your body is an adaptation of the concept, taught in the early twentieth century by the mystic, G.I. Gurdjieff, that humans were three brained beings. In the mid twentieth century, Paul MacLean brought this concept more into the mainstream with his writings on the triune brain.

The step for dealing with something similar to an unresolved event is an adaptation of a concept from the early works of Freud, who opened the idea exploring our areas of emotional distress for the purposes of healing them.

Inner Peace

Inner Peace is based, mostly, on NLP, which was developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder and popularized by Tony Robbins.

Some of the components, such as the Zoom Lens Tool and the idea of feeling both emotionally, were included in Healing the Me I See in You™, and come from the same sources.

Issue Finding

The issue finding techniques were inspired by George Orwell. In his book, 1984, one of the ways that Big Brother controlled people was to torture them with their worst fears.

We don't need Big Brother or anybody else to torture us with our worst fears. We do it to ourselves all the time.

When Would Now Be a Good Time?

The question, “When would now be a good time?” is based upon NLP, and comes from Awakening the Giant Within by Tony Robbins.

Feelings Exercise

The feelings exercise is a slight variation of an almost identical exercise used by HeartLand Aramaic Mission in many of the HeartLand workshops.

Lovers In TrainingStatement of Being

Lovers In TrainingStatement of Being was inspired by Alcoholics Anonymous, the The Religious Society of Friends, and HeartLand Aramaic Mission.

Christian Tantra

The concept of Christian Tantra has been around for centuries. Virato, the host of the radio show, Virato Live, is one person who has spoken and written about it a lot in the 21st Century.

The inspiration for adding it to this book came from Arthur Aron. When we told him we were putting this book together, he said that there was one thing he would especially recommend that we include in it. He said that, in all his years of research, he found that the best thing couples could do to bring more closeness into their relationships was “shared participation in novel and arousing activities.” He sent us the report on it called Couples' Shared Participation in Novel and Arousing Activities and Experienced Relationship Quality, which was published in 2000 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

So, we sent him the link to the section on the Lovers In Training website about Christian Tantra. His response was, “I love it.” So, we included a chapter about it in the book.

All Shall Be Well

The prayer, All Shall Be Well, was written by the 14th Century English mystic Julian of Norwich. Howard Hanger, founder and pastor of Jubilee Community Church, has written music to go with these words.

Appendix C

Copies of this Book

Closeness in Love is a free, open content book published under the Creative Commons Share Alike License. Feel free to copy and share it. You can also sell it, either to cover your costs or you can even make a profit on it. Free downloads are available for various printing options. Up to date info about the book is online at:

http://loversintraining.org/closeness-in-love

Updates

This book is a living document. As new developments come out, it will be updated. You can sign up for announcements of major updates at:

http://loversintraining.org/closeness-in-love

Other Languages

Currently, English is the only language available. We encourage translations in any language. If you are a native speaker of any other language and can translate this work, or know somebody who can, please go ahead and get it translated. As you learn of any translations, please post the links to them at:

http://loversintraining.org/contact.html

Audio and Video

We encourage you to make audio and video versions of Closeness in Love. Perhaps you can make home videos of one or two of your favorite scenes and post them on the Internet. Send us the links, and somebody can compile them into a group created home movie. Please keep your scenes PG 13 rated or lighter.

Please post the links to your audio and videos of this book at:

http://loversintraining.org/contact.html



Appendix D

Supporting this Work

Prayer

The best way you can help us is with your prayers. With prayer, all things are possible.

Do Your Own Healing

Do the Healing the Me I See in You™ process regularly. After you get steady and stable gains with it, use the Inner Peace process. Use the other exercises in this book.

Share Healing with Your Friends

Teach your friends the process, Healing the Me I See in You™. Get together with them and inspire each other to do it. Invite others to do the same.

Start healing groups, even if it's with just a few friends. Let your groups grow as the healing grows. Some of your best healing will come from sharing healing with others.

Media Help

Get word out to the media about this book. Even if you think somebody else has already contacted a media source, do it anyway. Get the media to notice this work.

Get interviewed by the media. The only qualification you need is to want to be a better lover – of God, your neighbors, and yourself. You are qualified to do that.

Graphics and Videos

Any graphics you can do that help spread this work would be appreciated. Videos would be great, too. Get creative.

Internet Networking

Spread word about this book on blogs, newsgroups, comment sections on stories, directories, and all kinds of other places on the Internet.

Personal Networking

Tell people to tell people to tell people about this book, the healing that is possible for them, and the love they can live. Old fashioned word of mouth still works great.

Translations

Help us to translate this book into other languages. Please share it with people who speak other languages natively besides English. Encourage them to translate it into their native language or pass it on to somebody who can.

Nonprofit Legal and Organizational Help

We are a brand new organization. Each local Lovers in Training™ community will be its own self governing organization. In each country, that means different laws to deal with. Even in the U.S. there are some state laws to deal with.

We will also want to properly register our name, logo, and other intellectual properties, so that people will know, wherever they go, that they are dealing with us and local communities under our umbrella. At the same time, we also want to make our teachings widely available for reproduction all over the world under open content licenses for every country. If you or anybody you know can help us with any of this kind of thing, we would really appreciate it.

Financially Supporting This Work

Our work is entirely supported by your generous donations, which are gratefully accepted, but never requested.

Online donations may be made at:

http://loversintraining.org/donate

Donations may be mailed to:

Lovers in Training Worldwide

PO Box 847

Burnsville NC 28714

Lovers in Training sells nothing. Nothing we offer even has a suggested donation.

When you get fundraising requests from other charities, think of Lovers in Training.